SO. Life is good... not perfect but good.
I did realize one profound thing this weekend. I realized I am on a different path... Recently I've been feeling stuck and left behind. All of my friends who are not married are suddenly finding themselves in relationships, while I seem to be constant with singleness. Now, I'm going to to lie, most days loneliness is hell. I see one of my single friends find someone, they are overjoyed, excited and can't wait to tell me every sorted detail. I smile but really on the inside it felt as if another knife was going through my heart. 'Another ONE?! Seriously' is what my head would scream... My heart would break a little more thinking... 'It's not me again'... But I would smile, and tell them how excited and glad I was for them, because I really am (I would not wish the loneliness of singleness on my worst enemy.) and then I would go home to yell and cry at the Almighty as to why it wasn't me that someone could find attractive and beautiful.
Then, Friday (at work actually) my brain had a little 'switch on the light bulb' moment. A thought crept into my head and stuck there. What if... just what if.... loneliness is my reality. What if it is my journey to walk. I have always compared myself to those around me (lets face it & be honest we all do it) thinking that we were all on the same path. You are born, you grow up, you go to school, you find someone to love, you have kids, become grandparents, live a good long life and then you die. But what if I'm not meant to walk that path. What if those single people that come in and out of my life are meant to be that, just passers by at intersections along my journey. Now, does this diminish the fact that I want to be an awesome wife and mother, NOPE. When I see a baby with chubby cheeks, or go to wedding my heart still painfully yearns for that but right now it's not happening. And try as I may, no amount of yelling, screaming, being bitter, shaking of fists, or being jealous of others & their happiness is going to help the journey... or me.
So now what. If this is life and I'm stuck with being alone, now what?? Well that's what I'm going to find out. The one thing that I can say is true, when I've ever really wanted someone there with me or to go out and have fun, the Almighty has always sent someone to be my 'Partner in Crime'. It may not be the person I want to spend the rest of my life with but someone is always there. I have also learned that even with I think no one is there... He is there... Abba, God. Father. My comforter, my constant companion. Do I think I'll ever get married-- I hope so, one day. Do I want to have kids -- yes, well just one. But if Abba doesnt see fit to send me that life... I will keep traveling the journey laid out in front of me. I will continue to be the best human being I can to those around me. I will be the best auntie to my blood-related & adopted nieces and nephews. I will be the best sister and friend I can be. Regardless if anyone ever decides to love me, I can still love and care for those around me because the one thing I've realized is we're all lonely at some point and life is hard, people should be nice.
