Thoughts on 2014

This year has been a roller coaster. It began with Dad in the hospital for about 2 months and has ended with Mema getting the news that her cancer is Stage 3 and they want to do chemo as a precaution after her surgery, but the doctors aren't sure her body can take it.

I've questioned if God really does exist (Which I'm still struggling with). I've been disappointed, let down, excited, blessed, appreciated. I've had friends that I thought would be there and failed miserably. I've been told by some we were friends and then they proved what my gut said... they were as fickle as the wind. I've been depressed, elated, happy, sad, busy beyond belief and bored and lonely.

So now on this last day of year, I sit at work and I wonder if next year will be different. If life will be better. Will it be worse. Will it be another year that I have to face alone. You know I'm ok with being single, seriously. I would rather be single than be with the wrong man. But the loneliness... it feels like I'm drowning in it. I keep saying it's just a season. A season that will change. But I'm beginning to feel like it's not that simple. That life isnt that simple.

This is where faith would come in, I guess. To hope, to believe that there is something better. I was beginning to believe again. Starting to hope that change was coming. But then in the last month, it has been proven to me yet again that things always end the same. I always end up waiting on a text or phone call that never comes. Sitting in a coffee shop by myself. Eating by myself. It's not just the guy aspect it's 'friends' too, it's just because everyone is busy. Too busy. Which sends the message to me that I'm not worth enough for them to make time for me, when I make time for them. Which does a major killer on an ego.

And yet I'll still keep on with life. I'll still go out to events, festivals or shows, and ask people to come along wither they do or not, as long as I want to go. I just wish there was at least someone wanting to go with me. Not even a 'guy' but just a friend. A friend would be good. It's like I make friends with the wrong people. The ones who already have enough friends where they really dont need anymore or they have families. Dont get me wrong, if any of the people I call friends reads this, I am happy for you. I'm happy that you dont have to experience emotions like these anymore. I'm happy that you have someone reliable. I used to feel like I had God to rely on but even lately He's been silent and I've started to question again.

I do hope 2015 is better. I am strong. If people knew what all I've been through they're brains would probably shut down. I am beautiful. I am loyal. I am confident in what I do and who I am, which is why I dont settle and I hold others to a higher standard. Which that may be my problem.

I just want to matter to someone this year. I want to change someone's life for the better. I want not only give love, but be opened to receive love. I give and give and give... and never receive. I always think if someone wants to give me love there's a catch. There's something they want in return and once they've received it, they run. I want to trust again, without the prejudice of my past experiences haunting me saying... once they know who you really are they'll leave, just like X, Y and Z did.

I know that no one single person can give me happiness. I have to be happy with myself, by myself. But every once in a while it would be nice to have someone local to go hiking with, to have a game night, to go get coffee with or to just be there, without it feeling like it's an inconvenience. But if that doesnt happen, life will go on. The sun will still rise and I will have a chance to get it right tomorrow.

So here's to 2015. May we all have lives a little better and may we help each other out on this journey.

Mema vs Cancer

Today at around noon, my 81 year old Mema will be fighting the ultimate fight as surgeons attempt to remove a section of her ascending colon due to the return of cancer. She has been 12 years cancer free until about a month ago when a test came back abnormal.

Now, I have mixed feelings about all of this. I was not around during her first may-lay with cancer. I was in college and my family chose to keep from me the direness of her situation. At that time the doctor had only given her 30 days to live. That was then, this is now.  I'm scared, worried, confused, frustrated... and the list can go on and on... but I'm also grateful, hopeful, and planning like tomorrow will be just another day.

All this week my devotionals have been about trust, handling loneliness in difficult situations, what to do when you dont understand why, etc. Which tells me there is an all-knowing power who does watch over us and gives us the emotional support when we need it. Now, does that mean I go into this with an over abundance of 'yes everything will work out'? Nope. One thing I realized this morning is that, you can have faith and still have concerns, doubts and fears. Just because I'm trying to trust God to handle this doesnt mean I have it all figured out or that I want my family & I to have to go through this. In fact there have been many times on this particular journey where I've said 'Nope, God I cant do this anymore. I cant deal with that and this anymore. Just no.' But, God already know this. He knows where my limits are, and while He tries to push those limits of faith & trust, He knows our breaking point. He did not make us to be perfect. He made us to worship Him in all we do while giving us the choice of freewill to do it. Because when you get to know someone because you want to, not because you are made to, that relationship is so much sweeter, stronger, and lasting.

I dont know what's going to happen today. I hope everything goes as perfect as it can. But either way, the sun will still rise tomorrow. Life will still move forward. Any pain will still be present and have to be dealt with and people will come and go.

Because I'm going to post this on several places, if you dont believe in God or an omniscient being, that's your journey to tow and I respect that. All I'm asking of anyone who reads this is to say a quick prayer or send a positive thought towards my family and I this week, as we follow along our journey. And if you see me the rest of this week, I would really appreciate a bear hug.

Thoughts from a Random Brain

Life is a roller coaster.

Why am I being ignored... invisible... again.

Why can't he see that I care.

What did I do or say that was wrong?

Why is it I'm always attracted to the ones who could careless. 

I tried. I made mistakes. I said things I shouldn't have. I wish I could take it back. 

We were friends once... now I dont know what we are.

I dont want the world or a fairy tale. I just want a friendship. A friendship that is true, not finicky or based on the tides of moods and conveniences... why is that so much to ask.

I thought it would be different somehow. I wanted someone to fight for  me, to challenge me, to pursue me. Why am I so difficult to love. Why do I push back and block off...

I'm mad at myself. Why do I allow this to happen to me. I wish I did not care so much. I want to fix this but I cant. I cant fix something that is  broken between two people... especailly when the other person, doesnt want it 'fixed'.

Bi-polar day...

SO. Today was fun (please note sarcasm). I really do love my job, but 3 times a year I have these days right before graduation where a mental meltdown will more than likely happen (to my close friends to willingly endured me today, I apologize). The stress & timelines, just make for a horrid day.

Today was that day. But in the midst of all the stress, ciaos, and mental blanks, there were 2 students that touched me. With my job I have to make sure everyone is cleared for graduation. Because of this, I tend to get a good smattering of the population from traditional college students, to families going to school together, to non-traditional students returning after an absence, to adult first time students that are looking for a 2nd career.

These 2 students have both been working towards their degree for at least 10 years. Both have been trying to finish for the last 2 years consistantly. I have been rooting these two on because they were trying to overcome everything just to recieve, what the world sees as, a piece of paper. One has been trying to pass a class, the other - life just keeps getting in the way. Well... This time one passed and one didn't. One will finally graduate, the other will have to wait. I'm happy for the one that is graduating but I will be happier for the one who didnt, as long as they continue. I want to say "Don't give up, you're so close." "Keep pushing, you can do this".

Then I realize, there are so many people in this world who would just be good, if someone would say those words to them. We all get so caught up in our own lives (me worst of all), that we don't stop to notice those around us. If they need or want our help, if they are hurting, if they have enough, if I can help. I want to help people. I want to live outside myself. But I fail, miserablly, most of the time. I am a mess. I'm moody, emotional, clingy, needy, wanting of attention, bossy, OCD, and too may more to list. But I'm also loving, caring, loyal unto death, hard working, willing, realistic, wanting of more, childlike, and the list can go on as well. The point is I'm just one person, but I want to change the world one person and situation at a time. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. I pray God opens my eyes everyday, to ways I can impact people for good and changes my heart and life little by little to reflect His grace that He has shown to me...

Mediations come while focusing on Prayer

'Thy Kingdom come Thy will be done' - Learning to volunteerly allow God's will in my life over my own.

Over my COMPLETE life.

Scary. 

God I cant.

I'm not ready.

Wrestling. Crying. Wrestling. 

Me: It feels like a bandaid that won't rip off.

God: It will be ok. I promise. If you cant let go today, we can come back tomorrow.

I'm sorry. I can't right now. 

It's ok. I AM is here. 

I want to but I'm scared.

I know. It will be ok.

Honesty, it's the process... the only way.

Even-though I haven't given in, peace comes. I will reach that point of letting go.

Just a reminder: It took Jesus only a 10 second prayer to raise Lazarus from the dead, but it took Him ALL night in the garden, sweating drops of blood to just say 'Not my will, but Thy will be done'.

Letting go is hard. Allowing God's will to completely engulf your life feels impossible. But God knows this, and that's why He's patient and loving. He could really care less what it is we hold on to. What He cares more about is that it is the key to our heart. And that ultimately is what He wants more than what we are grasping that He is asking for.