2 Months

SO... It's been about 2 months since I last posted... almost to the day actually. I have been living with roommate and it seems to be working (providing the budget holds). Work has been crazy and I've really wanted to quit but for some reason I keep going back. 

Tomorrow I'm trying a new church for the first time (voluntarily & consistently) in over 2 years. The last time I was involved in a church it didn't end so well... even leading me to question the true existence  of God. Now, before you get all 'holy roller' on me. The one thing I've learned in my life is that if 'God' is not big enough to answer our questions or expect our 'whys' then he's not really a God at all. I'm not one for blind faith just because 'someone told me so'. In the past several years of my life... I started to see where I just have good ol' dumb luck, not providence or a supernatural being doing a supernatural thing. Just me working hard  and having good timing to meet an end goal.

Now, when I started to think this way and would share it with some of my 'christian' friends, they would look at me like I have 2 heads and politely (in that infamous southern charm way) say, 'Oh honey, we'll pray for you.' Which did nothing to help me understand the questions in my head or my heart. I was reaching a point where I didn't think and actual 'God' existed. You 'praying' to 'Him', I believed was naive and plain stupid. Because I lived with my Mema (still), during this time, I was made to attend church. It was one of her few conditions of me staying with her. I would go to her church because A. It was two blocks away B. It didn't really matter where I was, I didn't want to be there in the first place. So, I would go... arrive at the latest possible second and leave just as soon as the pastor said 'amen'. The more I went the angrier and depressed I got. None of these people in this church would see me... like truly see me. I had been attending this church all my life (sans about 3 years) and yet I was still invisible. This also did not help my mental state of belief or honestly... my soul. I felt like a hypocrite because I disagreed with about 90% of came out of that pastor's mouth. 

Fast forward to today. I have one friend (who now lives out of state) who has been willing to walk this journey with me. And the best part about it she said... Melissa, I will love you either way. If at the end of this journey you feel there is no God. I will still love you and think your are an awesome woman. But keep an opened mind... Since then I have found this church. A few people I work with go here. I was talking to one of the guys this week and was honest and said... hey, I've not been to church in about 2+ years all because I don't think God exists anymore. He didn't think I had to heads. He said simply...  That's ok. My church is ok with that. They welcome questions and you can talk about your doubts openly with the leadership and they will try their best to help... (paraphrasing cause I can't remember exactly what he said, but that's the gist) He and a few others have invited me to come back and just try it and see what happens. SO, I don't know if my belief will be restored, but I do feel better. Sorry this is so long... it's a 2 month catch up... so here goes to another chapter of adventure on my journey.