Gratitude

Today is Thanksgiving. It's not how I imagined it to be. My original plan was to go to TN to visit friends. Then I got sick. So, I stayed here in NC.

My family has been through a lot lately.  Today, for the first time in 10 years, both sides of my family sat and broke bread at the same table. This is a miracle.  People have been saying things that they are thankful for, I'm thankful for life. I'm thankful for the laughter of my nephew. I'm thankful for having a sister that knows me better than I know myself. I'm thankful for a Mema who would open her home to anyone and can cook a meal fit for a king. I'm thankful for a Mom who still tries, even when she may not get everything right. I'm thankful for a Dad who says I'm beautiful all time.

Because of all these blessings, I realize now I'm worth more than a lot. I'm worth more than what the scales say. I'm worth more than how fast I can run (or walk). I'm worth more than how one guy can make me feel like I'm not 'good enough'. I'm worth more than the text messages, phone calls or facebook posts that I get (or dont get). I'm worth more than just my job.

I'm realizing I'm worth more because I'm fearfully & wonderfully made. Because God made me in His image. Because even though I make mistakes, say and do the wrong things, I try. I try with open heart that is learning to love and to have the copasity to love others.  I've been alone a very long time. Love is not something that comes easy to me. So when I finally do try, it's hard, really hard. This change is taking time and I'm learning to be patient with myself. That is what have gratitude for this Thanksgiving season, and while it's tough, I wouldnt change this challenge for the world.

When you say 'If God wants me there, He'll wake me up'... yeah at 6am...

"Love often doesn’t make any sense at all. It likes to creep up on you when you’re least expecting it, with the person you’re least expecting it to be with. It climbs walls and crosses oceans to find you. When it’s your time, love will track you down." - Mandy Hale

Do I really believe this? I don't know. Not anymore. Maybe. I want to. 

I seem to always 'fall' for the unobtainable guy. The best friend. The one that always sees me as 'one of the guys'... I can see I'm everything he wants and needs, but I'm not a nice size 2 packaging. 

I don't believe love has ever found me. The guy who says he 'loves' me, it makes my stomach turn. I want to believe him, but I know it's not the same way I think when I say 'I love you' or 'Love you'. I'm always overlooked. Never picked. Always left behind when a new girl shows up. I've only known rejection. 

Then these thoughts flow to God... If no man on earth can love me how can God? Questions too deep for sleep, run through my head. WHY? How? What if? But the conclusion is all the same... never happens. 

Grieving the life you wanted vs the life that is reality is painful. It's a fact of life one must face in order to become a stronger human being. In the last few weeks, I've felt pain, anger, hurt, loss, frustration... but I've also felt sheer happiness (for a split second), courage, the grace of God, His love that can heal wounds and hold me in the hurting transition that my life seems to be taking. All because I would not wish loneliness on anyone. 

I'm in my early 30s. I've been single 98% of my life. I am trying to see the best in everything, in all seasons. I understand that there are worse realities than just being single. But... for some reason the 'loneliness' faction of this reality has really amped itself up lately. It's becoming a daily struggle, to see the positives of being single at my age... especially when single people around me are dropping like flies and can always find a date or a 'match' and I'm still stuck being the same... no dates, all prospects taken, still single with no hope of change... 

Then I find this book... The Single Woman: Life, love and a Dash of Sass by Mandy Hale. And then I find these passages which is why (I believe) this book was put in my path:

"The bottom line is this: You’re going to face down a little loneliness. It’s just the cross that we single folks have to bear. But if you learn to really sit with that loneliness and embrace it as the gift that it is— an opportunity to get to know yourself, to learn how strong you really are, to depend on no one but yourself for your happiness— you will realize that a little loneliness goes a long way in creating a richer, deeper, more vibrant and colorful you."

"Embrace your singleness, and even the loneliness that comes with it, as the launching pad that it is. It is often in our loneliest times that God speaks the loudest. Plus, there’s just something really cool about knowing that your destiny is so big that you’re not meant to share it with anyone, at least not yet. So loneliness? Bring it on! In the long run, a big destiny is worth a little loneliness."

I have let loneliness beat me up over the last few months. It's not been pretty, but I am honest about it. My most prominent fear with loneliness is that it will become a comfort and not a reminder that I'm made for more. That I will become numb to the yearning I have for a family of my own, to be a mother and a wife. A dream I'm not willing to let go of yet. 

I have a friend who keeps saying he's 'ok' with being single, but all of his actions and the words that come out of his mouth contradict that very thought. Because I see him - even with all of his faults he is a wonderful, amazing man of God that any woman (including I) would be lucky to have - making excuses to settle, dating around, willing to be someone's 2nd choice, when he could be someone's first. It breaks my heart and reminds me that settling can sometimes be the easy way out...

I'm not willing to settle. Which is why I'm in this situation I'm in now, and when I look at this season that way, it's not a punishment, it's a blessing. It's a testament to the fact that I believe I'm worth MORE. More that my family telling me growing up 'if you're not skinny, you're not pretty'. More that being picked over for a size 2-12 by every guy I meet. More than the fact I feel invisible to every male in my life. More than what society says I should be. More than the fears I have of letting go...  One day someone will see me for the God fearing, wonderful, crazy, amazing, loving, great, fantastic, hammock laying, Rainbow/Chucks/Chaco wearing, book reading, Doctor Who watching, 'browncoat believing', game playing, child-like heart bearing, FSU football cheering, shower singing, living room PJ dancing, adventure seeking, totally nerdy and loving every minute of it - woman I really am.   

And until then, I will live life fantastically and fabulously. I will make huge mistakes, say the wrong things, wonderfully crash and burn in a plethora of flames, BUT I will also get things right. I will know my boundaries and who I am in God. I will be magnificent, caring and fiercely loyal to myself and whomever is to be my partner. I will honor him, love him and challenge him because I would have been through the pain of 'not having'. I will be who God is designing me to be. I will step into my destiny and watch the world stand in awe. But most importantly, I will learn to love ME and be happy in who I am regardless of anyone, anything or any situation that may come. So here's to being single... may it be fabulous ride that someone wishes they could take.

The Journey to Grace...

I had a friend message me the other day saying that she was done with music. This is a very talented and wonderful woman of God who can play the piano, violin and sing. She even got a degree in music with me at Lee. This broke my heart. But then I realized, slowly, I was doing the same thing. It is a reflection of my current life situations and how I wasn't just giving up on music, but on life as well. Honesty time: I battle with depression. I see a therapist for it but sometimes it rears it's ugly head and lately it seems to be thriving.

I've been on a journey for about the last month and half, because of a personal situation. It's been a very long, internal battle. I truly believe there is a 'God sized' hole in each an every human being on earth. I have been trying to fill that hole with anything and everything but God. Which is why I had turned my back on music. Music is my soul song for God. It is my passion. It fills me and bridges the gap between the human and the divine. I thought I always had to be perfect at it.

 I had a realization this morning... God really doesn't care if you are a perfect musician or
 if you're performing for a packed house... He just wants you to entertain an audience of ONE... Him... I don't sing as good as I used to, just because I'm out of practice. But I'm really trying (HARD) to let God do this supernatural work in me. To fundamentally change me... from my roots... starting with music.

 I've held on to a lot of anger, bitterness, resentment and jealousy for various reason over the course of my life. In the last couple of weeks I've realized this is a very toxic behavior and the only person who can truly get rid of it and root it out is God. So I'm trying. Trust me it's not easy and I'm sure it will be much more difficult before this process is over. But I was watching an old Lee University Campus Choir video of Total Praise (youtube it... it's fantastic)... I have seen this video probably 100 times, but for the first time I realized the soloist (she's maybe 5 foot tall) but she sings and praises from her soul. Deep in her soul, like way past her heart to her core. And, in that realization moment,  I said in my soul.. God I want to sing from my heart... even if I never hold another microphone again, I want to bring praise and pleasure to You. I want You to shine through my soul. I want to be Your embodiment of kindness, compassion, love, honesty, peace and grace. Mostly grace. Because the world could use more grace. Immediately I felt something flicker. I have been bound (spiritually) for so long. Those chains have been so heavy. They have weighed me down, costed me friendships, relationships, jobs... But last night I felt the first flicker of grace and hope.

This morning I got up, turned on the internet radio and the song Come to Me by Jenn Johnson came on... it was like another affirmation.The lyrics of the opening verse are:

I am the Lord your God, I go before you now
I stand beside you, I’m all around you
Though you feel I’m far away, I’m closer than your breath
I am with you, more than you know

I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind, come into My rest
Oh, let your faith arise, lift up your weary head
I am with you wherever you go

Hearing this song and the songs that followed I literally felt my soul praise. It's a first in my life. So as I start this new chapter... I hope to be at least half the woman, I know, God has called me to be. Because only then will I have and know true happiness.

All I need is You....

This week has been a bit rough. Mainly we found out my Mema's cancer has come back. Honestly, this has sent me head long into a depression tailspin that I cant seem to pull out of. I really want to quit my job, and runaway... start over somewhere new and pretend none of this is happening. Also, my friends seem to have dissapeared. I keep getting promises of 'we'll talk' or 'we'll hang' or 'I'm here if you need me' but there seems to be a problem with the follow through. I mean I cant even get my therapist to call me back, and I pay him to listen to me. I makes me think, what's wrong with me? What did I do to get to this point? Why am I so lonely now, when I need people the most?

On top of all that I'm still struggling with the God issue and all I can see is things not getting better. I keep asking God to take the pain away. To give me joy and contentment... and all I get is silence. Does He really hear? Does He really exist?

Then I woke up with this song in my head by Hillsong United. It's simple... 'All I need is You, All I need is You Lord, You hold the Universe, You hold everyone on earth...' I find something deep inside my soul crying this song out. It's like the one bare thread of rope that is keeping me from falling off the cliff... I dont need my life to be perfect or fake (plastic smiles)... I just need enough courage to hold on.... I dont need a knight in shining armor, I just need a smile from a stranger. Someone to say, 'It will be ok, you will get through this... even if you are alone, you will get through this'... why is that so hard to see or know.

I know no one reads this blog. I'm not stupid. But maybe just once... God will see it and give me something more than a string to hold on to, but if not... I will let my inner soul continue to sing.... 'You hold the Universe, You hold everyone on earth... All I need is You' ...until I start to believe it.