This week has been a bit rough. Mainly we found out my Mema's cancer has come back. Honestly, this has sent me head long into a depression tailspin that I cant seem to pull out of. I really want to quit my job, and runaway... start over somewhere new and pretend none of this is happening. Also, my friends seem to have dissapeared. I keep getting promises of 'we'll talk' or 'we'll hang' or 'I'm here if you need me' but there seems to be a problem with the follow through. I mean I cant even get my therapist to call me back, and I pay him to listen to me. I makes me think, what's wrong with me? What did I do to get to this point? Why am I so lonely now, when I need people the most?
On top of all that I'm still struggling with the God issue and all I can see is things not getting better. I keep asking God to take the pain away. To give me joy and contentment... and all I get is silence. Does He really hear? Does He really exist?
Then I woke up with this song in my head by Hillsong United. It's simple... 'All I need is You, All I need is You Lord, You hold the Universe, You hold everyone on earth...' I find something deep inside my soul crying this song out. It's like the one bare thread of rope that is keeping me from falling off the cliff... I dont need my life to be perfect or fake (plastic smiles)... I just need enough courage to hold on.... I dont need a knight in shining armor, I just need a smile from a stranger. Someone to say, 'It will be ok, you will get through this... even if you are alone, you will get through this'... why is that so hard to see or know.
I know no one reads this blog. I'm not stupid. But maybe just once... God will see it and give me something more than a string to hold on to, but if not... I will let my inner soul continue to sing.... 'You hold the Universe, You hold everyone on earth... All I need is You' ...until I start to believe it.
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