I had a friend message me the other day saying that she was done with music. This is a very talented and wonderful woman of God who can play the piano, violin and sing. She even got a degree in music with me at Lee. This broke my heart. But then I realized, slowly, I was doing the same thing. It is a reflection of my current life situations and how I wasn't just giving up on music, but on life as well. Honesty time: I battle with depression. I see a therapist for it but sometimes it rears it's ugly head and lately it seems to be thriving.
I've been on a journey for about the last month and half, because of a personal situation. It's been a very long, internal battle. I truly believe there is a 'God sized' hole in each an every human being on earth. I have been trying to fill that hole with anything and everything but God. Which is why I had turned my back on music. Music is my soul song for God. It is my passion. It fills me and bridges the gap between the human and the divine. I thought I always had to be perfect at it.
I had a realization this morning... God really doesn't care if you are a perfect musician or
if you're performing for a packed house... He just wants you to entertain an audience of ONE... Him... I don't sing as good as I used to, just because I'm out of practice. But I'm really trying (HARD) to let God do this supernatural work in me. To fundamentally change me... from my roots... starting with music.
I've held on to a lot of anger, bitterness, resentment and jealousy for various reason over the course of my life. In the last couple of weeks I've realized this is a very toxic behavior and the only person who can truly get rid of it and root it out is God. So I'm trying. Trust me it's not easy and I'm sure it will be much more difficult before this process is over. But I was watching an old Lee University Campus Choir video of Total Praise (youtube it... it's fantastic)... I have seen this video probably 100 times, but for the first time I realized the soloist (she's maybe 5 foot tall) but she sings and praises from her soul. Deep in her soul, like way past her heart to her core. And, in that realization moment, I said in my soul.. God I want to sing from my heart... even if I never hold another microphone again, I want to bring praise and pleasure to You. I want You to shine through my soul. I want to be Your embodiment of kindness, compassion, love, honesty, peace and grace. Mostly grace. Because the world could use more grace. Immediately I felt something flicker. I have been bound (spiritually) for so long. Those chains have been so heavy. They have weighed me down, costed me friendships, relationships, jobs... But last night I felt the first flicker of grace and hope.
This morning I got up, turned on the internet radio and the song Come to Me by Jenn Johnson came on... it was like another affirmation.The lyrics of the opening verse are:
I am the Lord your God, I go before you now
I stand beside you, I’m all around you
Though you feel I’m far away, I’m closer than your breath
I am with you, more than you know
I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind, come into My rest
Oh, let your faith arise, lift up your weary head
I am with you wherever you go
Hearing this song and the songs that followed I literally felt my soul praise. It's a first in my life. So as I start this new chapter... I hope to be at least half the woman, I know, God has called me to be. Because only then will I have and know true happiness.
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