"Love
often doesn’t make any sense at all. It likes to creep up on you when
you’re least expecting it, with the person you’re least expecting it to
be with. It climbs walls and crosses oceans to find you. When it’s your
time, love will track you down." - Mandy Hale
Do I really believe this? I don't know. Not anymore. Maybe. I want to.
I seem to always 'fall' for the unobtainable guy. The best friend. The one that always sees me as 'one of the guys'... I can see I'm everything he wants and needs, but I'm not a nice size 2 packaging.
I don't believe love has ever found me. The guy who says he 'loves' me, it makes my stomach turn. I want to believe him, but I know it's not the same way I think when I say 'I love you' or 'Love you'. I'm always overlooked. Never picked. Always left behind when a new girl shows up. I've only known rejection.
Then these thoughts flow to God... If no man on earth can love me how can God? Questions too deep for sleep, run through my head. WHY? How? What if? But the conclusion is all the same... never happens.
Grieving the life you wanted vs the life that is reality is painful. It's a fact of life one must face in order to become a stronger human being. In the last few weeks, I've felt pain, anger, hurt, loss, frustration... but I've also felt sheer happiness (for a split second), courage, the grace of God, His love that can heal wounds and hold me in the hurting transition that my life seems to be taking. All because I would not wish loneliness on anyone.
I'm in my early 30s. I've been single 98% of my life. I am trying to see the best in everything, in all seasons. I understand that there are worse realities than just being single. But... for some reason the 'loneliness' faction of this reality has really amped itself up lately. It's becoming a daily struggle, to see the positives of being single at my age... especially when single people around me are dropping like flies and can always find a date or a 'match' and I'm still stuck being the same... no dates, all prospects taken, still single with no hope of change...
Then I find this book... The Single Woman: Life, love and a Dash of Sass by Mandy Hale. And then I find these passages which is why (I believe) this book was put in my path:
"The bottom line is this: You’re going to face down a little loneliness. It’s just the cross that we single folks have to bear. But if you learn to really sit with that loneliness and embrace it as the gift that it is— an opportunity to get to know yourself, to learn how strong you really are, to depend on no one but yourself for your happiness— you will realize that a little loneliness goes a long way in creating a richer, deeper, more vibrant and colorful you."
"Embrace your singleness, and even the loneliness that comes with it, as the launching pad that it is. It is often in our loneliest times that God speaks the loudest. Plus, there’s just something really cool about knowing that your destiny is so big that you’re not meant to share it with anyone, at least not yet. So loneliness? Bring it on! In the long run, a big destiny is worth a little loneliness."
I have let loneliness beat me up over the last few months. It's not been pretty, but I am honest about it. My most prominent fear with loneliness is that it will become a comfort and not a reminder that I'm made for more. That I will become numb to the yearning I have for a family of my own, to be a mother and a wife. A dream I'm not willing to let go of yet.
Do I really believe this? I don't know. Not anymore. Maybe. I want to.
I seem to always 'fall' for the unobtainable guy. The best friend. The one that always sees me as 'one of the guys'... I can see I'm everything he wants and needs, but I'm not a nice size 2 packaging.
I don't believe love has ever found me. The guy who says he 'loves' me, it makes my stomach turn. I want to believe him, but I know it's not the same way I think when I say 'I love you' or 'Love you'. I'm always overlooked. Never picked. Always left behind when a new girl shows up. I've only known rejection.
Then these thoughts flow to God... If no man on earth can love me how can God? Questions too deep for sleep, run through my head. WHY? How? What if? But the conclusion is all the same... never happens.
Grieving the life you wanted vs the life that is reality is painful. It's a fact of life one must face in order to become a stronger human being. In the last few weeks, I've felt pain, anger, hurt, loss, frustration... but I've also felt sheer happiness (for a split second), courage, the grace of God, His love that can heal wounds and hold me in the hurting transition that my life seems to be taking. All because I would not wish loneliness on anyone.
I'm in my early 30s. I've been single 98% of my life. I am trying to see the best in everything, in all seasons. I understand that there are worse realities than just being single. But... for some reason the 'loneliness' faction of this reality has really amped itself up lately. It's becoming a daily struggle, to see the positives of being single at my age... especially when single people around me are dropping like flies and can always find a date or a 'match' and I'm still stuck being the same... no dates, all prospects taken, still single with no hope of change...
Then I find this book... The Single Woman: Life, love and a Dash of Sass by Mandy Hale. And then I find these passages which is why (I believe) this book was put in my path:
"The bottom line is this: You’re going to face down a little loneliness. It’s just the cross that we single folks have to bear. But if you learn to really sit with that loneliness and embrace it as the gift that it is— an opportunity to get to know yourself, to learn how strong you really are, to depend on no one but yourself for your happiness— you will realize that a little loneliness goes a long way in creating a richer, deeper, more vibrant and colorful you."
"Embrace your singleness, and even the loneliness that comes with it, as the launching pad that it is. It is often in our loneliest times that God speaks the loudest. Plus, there’s just something really cool about knowing that your destiny is so big that you’re not meant to share it with anyone, at least not yet. So loneliness? Bring it on! In the long run, a big destiny is worth a little loneliness."
I have let loneliness beat me up over the last few months. It's not been pretty, but I am honest about it. My most prominent fear with loneliness is that it will become a comfort and not a reminder that I'm made for more. That I will become numb to the yearning I have for a family of my own, to be a mother and a wife. A dream I'm not willing to let go of yet.
I
have a friend who keeps saying he's 'ok' with being single, but all of
his actions and the words that come out of his mouth contradict that
very thought. Because I see him - even with all of his faults he
is a wonderful, amazing man of God that any woman (including I) would be
lucky to have - making excuses to settle, dating around, willing to be someone's 2nd
choice, when he could be someone's first. It breaks my heart and reminds me that settling can sometimes be the easy way out...
I'm not willing to settle. Which is why I'm in this situation I'm in now, and when I look at this season that way, it's not a punishment, it's a blessing. It's a testament to the fact that I believe I'm worth MORE. More that my family telling me growing up 'if you're not skinny, you're not pretty'. More that being picked over for a size 2-12 by every guy I meet. More than the fact I feel invisible to every male in my life. More than what society says I should be. More than the fears I have of letting go... One day someone will see me for the God fearing, wonderful, crazy, amazing, loving, great, fantastic, hammock laying, Rainbow/Chucks/Chaco wearing, book reading, Doctor Who watching, 'browncoat believing', game playing, child-like heart bearing, FSU football cheering, shower singing, living room PJ dancing, adventure seeking, totally nerdy and loving every minute of it - woman I really am.
And until then, I will live life fantastically and fabulously. I will make huge mistakes, say the wrong things, wonderfully crash and burn in a plethora of flames, BUT I will also get things right. I will know my boundaries and who I am in God. I will be magnificent, caring and fiercely loyal to myself and whomever is to be my partner. I will honor him, love him and challenge him because I would have been through the pain of 'not having'. I will be who God is designing me to be. I will step into my destiny and watch the world stand in awe. But most importantly, I will learn to love ME and be happy in who I am regardless of anyone, anything or any situation that may come. So here's to being single... may it be fabulous ride that someone wishes they could take.
I'm not willing to settle. Which is why I'm in this situation I'm in now, and when I look at this season that way, it's not a punishment, it's a blessing. It's a testament to the fact that I believe I'm worth MORE. More that my family telling me growing up 'if you're not skinny, you're not pretty'. More that being picked over for a size 2-12 by every guy I meet. More than the fact I feel invisible to every male in my life. More than what society says I should be. More than the fears I have of letting go... One day someone will see me for the God fearing, wonderful, crazy, amazing, loving, great, fantastic, hammock laying, Rainbow/Chucks/Chaco wearing, book reading, Doctor Who watching, 'browncoat believing', game playing, child-like heart bearing, FSU football cheering, shower singing, living room PJ dancing, adventure seeking, totally nerdy and loving every minute of it - woman I really am.
And until then, I will live life fantastically and fabulously. I will make huge mistakes, say the wrong things, wonderfully crash and burn in a plethora of flames, BUT I will also get things right. I will know my boundaries and who I am in God. I will be magnificent, caring and fiercely loyal to myself and whomever is to be my partner. I will honor him, love him and challenge him because I would have been through the pain of 'not having'. I will be who God is designing me to be. I will step into my destiny and watch the world stand in awe. But most importantly, I will learn to love ME and be happy in who I am regardless of anyone, anything or any situation that may come. So here's to being single... may it be fabulous ride that someone wishes they could take.
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