Thoughts on 2014

This year has been a roller coaster. It began with Dad in the hospital for about 2 months and has ended with Mema getting the news that her cancer is Stage 3 and they want to do chemo as a precaution after her surgery, but the doctors aren't sure her body can take it.

I've questioned if God really does exist (Which I'm still struggling with). I've been disappointed, let down, excited, blessed, appreciated. I've had friends that I thought would be there and failed miserably. I've been told by some we were friends and then they proved what my gut said... they were as fickle as the wind. I've been depressed, elated, happy, sad, busy beyond belief and bored and lonely.

So now on this last day of year, I sit at work and I wonder if next year will be different. If life will be better. Will it be worse. Will it be another year that I have to face alone. You know I'm ok with being single, seriously. I would rather be single than be with the wrong man. But the loneliness... it feels like I'm drowning in it. I keep saying it's just a season. A season that will change. But I'm beginning to feel like it's not that simple. That life isnt that simple.

This is where faith would come in, I guess. To hope, to believe that there is something better. I was beginning to believe again. Starting to hope that change was coming. But then in the last month, it has been proven to me yet again that things always end the same. I always end up waiting on a text or phone call that never comes. Sitting in a coffee shop by myself. Eating by myself. It's not just the guy aspect it's 'friends' too, it's just because everyone is busy. Too busy. Which sends the message to me that I'm not worth enough for them to make time for me, when I make time for them. Which does a major killer on an ego.

And yet I'll still keep on with life. I'll still go out to events, festivals or shows, and ask people to come along wither they do or not, as long as I want to go. I just wish there was at least someone wanting to go with me. Not even a 'guy' but just a friend. A friend would be good. It's like I make friends with the wrong people. The ones who already have enough friends where they really dont need anymore or they have families. Dont get me wrong, if any of the people I call friends reads this, I am happy for you. I'm happy that you dont have to experience emotions like these anymore. I'm happy that you have someone reliable. I used to feel like I had God to rely on but even lately He's been silent and I've started to question again.

I do hope 2015 is better. I am strong. If people knew what all I've been through they're brains would probably shut down. I am beautiful. I am loyal. I am confident in what I do and who I am, which is why I dont settle and I hold others to a higher standard. Which that may be my problem.

I just want to matter to someone this year. I want to change someone's life for the better. I want not only give love, but be opened to receive love. I give and give and give... and never receive. I always think if someone wants to give me love there's a catch. There's something they want in return and once they've received it, they run. I want to trust again, without the prejudice of my past experiences haunting me saying... once they know who you really are they'll leave, just like X, Y and Z did.

I know that no one single person can give me happiness. I have to be happy with myself, by myself. But every once in a while it would be nice to have someone local to go hiking with, to have a game night, to go get coffee with or to just be there, without it feeling like it's an inconvenience. But if that doesnt happen, life will go on. The sun will still rise and I will have a chance to get it right tomorrow.

So here's to 2015. May we all have lives a little better and may we help each other out on this journey.