A Month of Randomness...

SO. Life is good... not perfect but good.

I did realize one profound thing this weekend. I realized I am on a different path... Recently I've been feeling stuck and left behind. All of my friends who are not married are suddenly finding themselves in relationships, while I seem to be constant with singleness. Now, I'm going to to lie, most days loneliness is hell. I see one of my single friends find someone, they are overjoyed, excited and can't wait to tell me every sorted detail. I smile but really on the inside it felt as if another knife was going through my heart. 'Another ONE?! Seriously' is what my head would scream... My heart would break a little more thinking... 'It's not me again'... But I would smile, and tell them how excited and glad I was for them, because I really am (I would not wish the loneliness of singleness on my worst enemy.) and then I would go home to yell and cry at the Almighty as to why it wasn't me that someone could find attractive and beautiful.

Then, Friday (at work actually) my brain had a little 'switch on the light bulb' moment. A thought crept into my head and stuck there. What if... just what if.... loneliness is my reality. What if it is my journey to walk. I have always compared myself to those around me (lets face it & be honest we all do it) thinking that we were all on the same path. You are born, you grow up, you go to school, you find someone to love, you have kids, become grandparents, live a good long life and then you die. But what if I'm not meant to walk that path. What if those single people that come in and out of my life are meant to be that, just passers by at intersections along my journey. Now, does this diminish the fact that I want to be an awesome wife and mother, NOPE. When I see a baby with chubby cheeks, or go to wedding my heart still painfully yearns for that but right now it's not happening. And try as I may, no amount of yelling, screaming, being bitter, shaking of fists, or being jealous of others & their happiness is going to help the journey... or me.

So now what. If this is life and I'm stuck with being alone, now what?? Well that's what I'm going to find out. The one thing that I can say is true, when I've ever really wanted someone there with me or to go out and have fun, the Almighty has always sent someone to be my 'Partner in Crime'. It may not be the person I want to spend the rest of my life with but someone is always there. I have also learned that even with I think no one is there... He is there... Abba, God. Father. My comforter, my constant companion. Do I think I'll ever get married-- I hope so, one day. Do I want to have kids -- yes, well just one. But if Abba doesnt see fit to send me that life... I will keep traveling the journey laid out in front of me.  I will continue to be the best human being I can to those around me. I will be the best auntie to my blood-related & adopted nieces and nephews. I will be the best sister and friend I can be. Regardless if anyone ever decides to love me, I can still love and care for those around me because the one thing I've realized is we're all lonely at some point and life is hard, people should be nice.

Transformation...

6am. Wide awake. Rain pitter pattering on my window. Reading. Breathing. Wondering. 

Finally.... smiling. 

I smiled, a real smile, for the first time in a really long time this morning. I woke up without my alarm. I read some of my book and watched the rain fall outside my window. It has rained ALL. DAY. LONG. 

BUT. 

Sometimes rain must fall. Without rain, we would not grow. Without rain, we would die (eventually - but still a long agonizing death). Without rain, we would not appreciate the sun. So, today... with all it's ugliness I can see beauty. Beauty in the rain. I put on my rain boots & carried my umbrella... walking through every puddle I could all the way to work. 

Sometimes in life, all we need is for our perspective to change. The rain is still there, but now I jump in puddles instead of avoiding them. Because in the end we all just want to be happy...

Perspective

So, perspective... over the last few weeks life has been hell. There's just no easy way to put it. Sickness scares and legal trouble with family, being overworked and underpaid, and personal struggles. It was the week for everything to hit me at once. 

I unloaded on friends... which probably scared a few away... I went on walks... I cried myself to sleep for about a week. It was just all too much. Until a mentor gave me a book called Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore. This is an interesting book that helps to change perspective on the rough patches or 'dark nights' of the life. It proposes the point that there is beauty in the dark times of life. That one can find peace in the transformation process. 

I've started to think about these ideals. To see beauty in all things good and bad. It is helping me realize that all moments in life are needed and wonderful... even the bad ones. 

Tonight I also realized that the best medicine for a 'dark night' is the light of friendship and laugher. I have the best people in my life and the best roommate. Thank you all for being yourself. Thank you for enduring the ups and downs of my moods and my life. Thank you for existing in this world. 

Rough Week

SO these last couple of weeks have been stressful and difficult. Work was rough because of graduation and then I have some family issues going on right now. BUT. The small shining light has been the few people in my life I call friends. They have endured my rants, crying, blaming...  This week has been one of the ugliest in a long while, and these people still answer my text and/or calls... now that folks is friendship. It has not been pretty but it has been the beginning of a journey. 

One of these friends has suggested I read 'Mere Christianity' by C.S. Lewis. I started this book yesterday while on the beach but I must admit the majority of it went over my head. But, in his preface Lewis writes:

"IT is more like a hall out of which doors open into several rooms. If I can bring anyone into that hall I shall have done what I attempted. But it is in the rooms, not in the hall, that there are fires and chairs and meals. The hall is a place to wait in, a place from which to try the various doors, not a place to live in. It is true that some people may find they have to wait in the hall for a considerable time, while others feel certain almost at once which door they must knock at. I do not know why there is this difference, but I am sure God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait. When you do get into your room you will find that the long wait has done you some kind of good which you would not have had otherwise. But you must regard it as waiting, not as camping."

I think at some point my waiting has turned into camping. It's time to open a door... even if it is the one that scares me to death or later on I find out it is the wrong one. It's time to knock on any door and see what the room holds. 

2 Months

SO... It's been about 2 months since I last posted... almost to the day actually. I have been living with roommate and it seems to be working (providing the budget holds). Work has been crazy and I've really wanted to quit but for some reason I keep going back. 

Tomorrow I'm trying a new church for the first time (voluntarily & consistently) in over 2 years. The last time I was involved in a church it didn't end so well... even leading me to question the true existence  of God. Now, before you get all 'holy roller' on me. The one thing I've learned in my life is that if 'God' is not big enough to answer our questions or expect our 'whys' then he's not really a God at all. I'm not one for blind faith just because 'someone told me so'. In the past several years of my life... I started to see where I just have good ol' dumb luck, not providence or a supernatural being doing a supernatural thing. Just me working hard  and having good timing to meet an end goal.

Now, when I started to think this way and would share it with some of my 'christian' friends, they would look at me like I have 2 heads and politely (in that infamous southern charm way) say, 'Oh honey, we'll pray for you.' Which did nothing to help me understand the questions in my head or my heart. I was reaching a point where I didn't think and actual 'God' existed. You 'praying' to 'Him', I believed was naive and plain stupid. Because I lived with my Mema (still), during this time, I was made to attend church. It was one of her few conditions of me staying with her. I would go to her church because A. It was two blocks away B. It didn't really matter where I was, I didn't want to be there in the first place. So, I would go... arrive at the latest possible second and leave just as soon as the pastor said 'amen'. The more I went the angrier and depressed I got. None of these people in this church would see me... like truly see me. I had been attending this church all my life (sans about 3 years) and yet I was still invisible. This also did not help my mental state of belief or honestly... my soul. I felt like a hypocrite because I disagreed with about 90% of came out of that pastor's mouth. 

Fast forward to today. I have one friend (who now lives out of state) who has been willing to walk this journey with me. And the best part about it she said... Melissa, I will love you either way. If at the end of this journey you feel there is no God. I will still love you and think your are an awesome woman. But keep an opened mind... Since then I have found this church. A few people I work with go here. I was talking to one of the guys this week and was honest and said... hey, I've not been to church in about 2+ years all because I don't think God exists anymore. He didn't think I had to heads. He said simply...  That's ok. My church is ok with that. They welcome questions and you can talk about your doubts openly with the leadership and they will try their best to help... (paraphrasing cause I can't remember exactly what he said, but that's the gist) He and a few others have invited me to come back and just try it and see what happens. SO, I don't know if my belief will be restored, but I do feel better. Sorry this is so long... it's a 2 month catch up... so here goes to another chapter of adventure on my journey. 

The Weekend

SO... I'm finally moved in to the new place. The Roommate and I decided to attend the 301 Endless Yard Sale. It's this yard sale that happens once a year. It goes for over 100 miles down the old 301 Hwy. Well, it turned out to be a dud. It was mostly clothes and junk. I did find a pearl necklace/earring/bracelet. But for the first roomie roadtrip it was full of laughter and fun.

My nephews from Washington State were here for the last weekend of their vacation. My eldest nephew and I had a movie date. We watched The Wolverine. He got to choose dinner. We had a fancy meal of chicken flavor ramen noodles. I had the best time with him.

After I got back the Roomie and I watched Man of Steel. Not that bad of a movie. Near the end my roomie said: Zod has some serious anger management issues... My reply: yep saw that coming.

But then I got sick. The lovely stomach virus... the fastest way to lose 5lbs in a day. Tomorrow is computer training day... all. day. long. After being sick today... heavens help me.

One Act of Kindness

One of my New Year's resolutions is to do at least One Act of Kindness for a total stranger. Lately I have forgot this promise I made. I have become a self-absorbed, bitch... and I know it. It's not the person I want to be, or the person I am supposed to be. 

So, in the last couple of weeks I have been trying to be more aware of the people around me. To help where I can, and do for others to make life better. I have been asking the universe for opportunities to make this resolution right. 

Today, I was in the local new grocery store by my house. Well, it's more like a bodega than a grocery store. But I was walking through trying to find something quick for dinner when I was in the frozen foods at the back of the store. That was where I saw him. An elderly man, with a 5 o'clock shadow, disheveled clothes, and a overall exhausted appearance. His walker was siting upside down in the cart. I watched him out of the corner of my eye for several minutes. He was fumbling with something in his hands. The look on his face granted a sense of urgency, his eyes, pleading for help to an unseen force. 

My heart was overcome. I didn't know how to approach him. I wanted him to have his dignity but I could see he was reach a desperate limit. His hands were violently shaking by his point trying to get into a small peppermint candy. I walked over and said...

Me: Hi, how are you doing today?

Him: I've been well but I think I need a knife to get into this damn piece of candy.

Me: Well, that's what it looks like. May I have a try? I have some sharp nails here..

Him: Yes, please... my blood sugar is getting low. 

Me: (unwrapping the candy) Yeah my Mema is diabetic. (then fumbling with the candy, it falls to the floor and my heart broke)I am so sorry. I think I have something in my purse here. Like I said my Mema has diabetes so I keep...

Him: It's okay. I have another one... (hands me the candy and I unwrap it) this time just put it straight in my hand. (he smiles). 

Me: Ok. (smile back)Have a nice day. 

Him: You too dear, may you be blessed.

His face had changed from despair to happiness and hope. It made me tear up in the grocery store. Then it made me think... What if we all did just one good kindness for a stranger each day. Just one. How much better would this world would be.