Thoughts on 2014

This year has been a roller coaster. It began with Dad in the hospital for about 2 months and has ended with Mema getting the news that her cancer is Stage 3 and they want to do chemo as a precaution after her surgery, but the doctors aren't sure her body can take it.

I've questioned if God really does exist (Which I'm still struggling with). I've been disappointed, let down, excited, blessed, appreciated. I've had friends that I thought would be there and failed miserably. I've been told by some we were friends and then they proved what my gut said... they were as fickle as the wind. I've been depressed, elated, happy, sad, busy beyond belief and bored and lonely.

So now on this last day of year, I sit at work and I wonder if next year will be different. If life will be better. Will it be worse. Will it be another year that I have to face alone. You know I'm ok with being single, seriously. I would rather be single than be with the wrong man. But the loneliness... it feels like I'm drowning in it. I keep saying it's just a season. A season that will change. But I'm beginning to feel like it's not that simple. That life isnt that simple.

This is where faith would come in, I guess. To hope, to believe that there is something better. I was beginning to believe again. Starting to hope that change was coming. But then in the last month, it has been proven to me yet again that things always end the same. I always end up waiting on a text or phone call that never comes. Sitting in a coffee shop by myself. Eating by myself. It's not just the guy aspect it's 'friends' too, it's just because everyone is busy. Too busy. Which sends the message to me that I'm not worth enough for them to make time for me, when I make time for them. Which does a major killer on an ego.

And yet I'll still keep on with life. I'll still go out to events, festivals or shows, and ask people to come along wither they do or not, as long as I want to go. I just wish there was at least someone wanting to go with me. Not even a 'guy' but just a friend. A friend would be good. It's like I make friends with the wrong people. The ones who already have enough friends where they really dont need anymore or they have families. Dont get me wrong, if any of the people I call friends reads this, I am happy for you. I'm happy that you dont have to experience emotions like these anymore. I'm happy that you have someone reliable. I used to feel like I had God to rely on but even lately He's been silent and I've started to question again.

I do hope 2015 is better. I am strong. If people knew what all I've been through they're brains would probably shut down. I am beautiful. I am loyal. I am confident in what I do and who I am, which is why I dont settle and I hold others to a higher standard. Which that may be my problem.

I just want to matter to someone this year. I want to change someone's life for the better. I want not only give love, but be opened to receive love. I give and give and give... and never receive. I always think if someone wants to give me love there's a catch. There's something they want in return and once they've received it, they run. I want to trust again, without the prejudice of my past experiences haunting me saying... once they know who you really are they'll leave, just like X, Y and Z did.

I know that no one single person can give me happiness. I have to be happy with myself, by myself. But every once in a while it would be nice to have someone local to go hiking with, to have a game night, to go get coffee with or to just be there, without it feeling like it's an inconvenience. But if that doesnt happen, life will go on. The sun will still rise and I will have a chance to get it right tomorrow.

So here's to 2015. May we all have lives a little better and may we help each other out on this journey.

Mema vs Cancer

Today at around noon, my 81 year old Mema will be fighting the ultimate fight as surgeons attempt to remove a section of her ascending colon due to the return of cancer. She has been 12 years cancer free until about a month ago when a test came back abnormal.

Now, I have mixed feelings about all of this. I was not around during her first may-lay with cancer. I was in college and my family chose to keep from me the direness of her situation. At that time the doctor had only given her 30 days to live. That was then, this is now.  I'm scared, worried, confused, frustrated... and the list can go on and on... but I'm also grateful, hopeful, and planning like tomorrow will be just another day.

All this week my devotionals have been about trust, handling loneliness in difficult situations, what to do when you dont understand why, etc. Which tells me there is an all-knowing power who does watch over us and gives us the emotional support when we need it. Now, does that mean I go into this with an over abundance of 'yes everything will work out'? Nope. One thing I realized this morning is that, you can have faith and still have concerns, doubts and fears. Just because I'm trying to trust God to handle this doesnt mean I have it all figured out or that I want my family & I to have to go through this. In fact there have been many times on this particular journey where I've said 'Nope, God I cant do this anymore. I cant deal with that and this anymore. Just no.' But, God already know this. He knows where my limits are, and while He tries to push those limits of faith & trust, He knows our breaking point. He did not make us to be perfect. He made us to worship Him in all we do while giving us the choice of freewill to do it. Because when you get to know someone because you want to, not because you are made to, that relationship is so much sweeter, stronger, and lasting.

I dont know what's going to happen today. I hope everything goes as perfect as it can. But either way, the sun will still rise tomorrow. Life will still move forward. Any pain will still be present and have to be dealt with and people will come and go.

Because I'm going to post this on several places, if you dont believe in God or an omniscient being, that's your journey to tow and I respect that. All I'm asking of anyone who reads this is to say a quick prayer or send a positive thought towards my family and I this week, as we follow along our journey. And if you see me the rest of this week, I would really appreciate a bear hug.

Thoughts from a Random Brain

Life is a roller coaster.

Why am I being ignored... invisible... again.

Why can't he see that I care.

What did I do or say that was wrong?

Why is it I'm always attracted to the ones who could careless. 

I tried. I made mistakes. I said things I shouldn't have. I wish I could take it back. 

We were friends once... now I dont know what we are.

I dont want the world or a fairy tale. I just want a friendship. A friendship that is true, not finicky or based on the tides of moods and conveniences... why is that so much to ask.

I thought it would be different somehow. I wanted someone to fight for  me, to challenge me, to pursue me. Why am I so difficult to love. Why do I push back and block off...

I'm mad at myself. Why do I allow this to happen to me. I wish I did not care so much. I want to fix this but I cant. I cant fix something that is  broken between two people... especailly when the other person, doesnt want it 'fixed'.

Bi-polar day...

SO. Today was fun (please note sarcasm). I really do love my job, but 3 times a year I have these days right before graduation where a mental meltdown will more than likely happen (to my close friends to willingly endured me today, I apologize). The stress & timelines, just make for a horrid day.

Today was that day. But in the midst of all the stress, ciaos, and mental blanks, there were 2 students that touched me. With my job I have to make sure everyone is cleared for graduation. Because of this, I tend to get a good smattering of the population from traditional college students, to families going to school together, to non-traditional students returning after an absence, to adult first time students that are looking for a 2nd career.

These 2 students have both been working towards their degree for at least 10 years. Both have been trying to finish for the last 2 years consistantly. I have been rooting these two on because they were trying to overcome everything just to recieve, what the world sees as, a piece of paper. One has been trying to pass a class, the other - life just keeps getting in the way. Well... This time one passed and one didn't. One will finally graduate, the other will have to wait. I'm happy for the one that is graduating but I will be happier for the one who didnt, as long as they continue. I want to say "Don't give up, you're so close." "Keep pushing, you can do this".

Then I realize, there are so many people in this world who would just be good, if someone would say those words to them. We all get so caught up in our own lives (me worst of all), that we don't stop to notice those around us. If they need or want our help, if they are hurting, if they have enough, if I can help. I want to help people. I want to live outside myself. But I fail, miserablly, most of the time. I am a mess. I'm moody, emotional, clingy, needy, wanting of attention, bossy, OCD, and too may more to list. But I'm also loving, caring, loyal unto death, hard working, willing, realistic, wanting of more, childlike, and the list can go on as well. The point is I'm just one person, but I want to change the world one person and situation at a time. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. I pray God opens my eyes everyday, to ways I can impact people for good and changes my heart and life little by little to reflect His grace that He has shown to me...

Mediations come while focusing on Prayer

'Thy Kingdom come Thy will be done' - Learning to volunteerly allow God's will in my life over my own.

Over my COMPLETE life.

Scary. 

God I cant.

I'm not ready.

Wrestling. Crying. Wrestling. 

Me: It feels like a bandaid that won't rip off.

God: It will be ok. I promise. If you cant let go today, we can come back tomorrow.

I'm sorry. I can't right now. 

It's ok. I AM is here. 

I want to but I'm scared.

I know. It will be ok.

Honesty, it's the process... the only way.

Even-though I haven't given in, peace comes. I will reach that point of letting go.

Just a reminder: It took Jesus only a 10 second prayer to raise Lazarus from the dead, but it took Him ALL night in the garden, sweating drops of blood to just say 'Not my will, but Thy will be done'.

Letting go is hard. Allowing God's will to completely engulf your life feels impossible. But God knows this, and that's why He's patient and loving. He could really care less what it is we hold on to. What He cares more about is that it is the key to our heart. And that ultimately is what He wants more than what we are grasping that He is asking for. 

Gratitude

Today is Thanksgiving. It's not how I imagined it to be. My original plan was to go to TN to visit friends. Then I got sick. So, I stayed here in NC.

My family has been through a lot lately.  Today, for the first time in 10 years, both sides of my family sat and broke bread at the same table. This is a miracle.  People have been saying things that they are thankful for, I'm thankful for life. I'm thankful for the laughter of my nephew. I'm thankful for having a sister that knows me better than I know myself. I'm thankful for a Mema who would open her home to anyone and can cook a meal fit for a king. I'm thankful for a Mom who still tries, even when she may not get everything right. I'm thankful for a Dad who says I'm beautiful all time.

Because of all these blessings, I realize now I'm worth more than a lot. I'm worth more than what the scales say. I'm worth more than how fast I can run (or walk). I'm worth more than how one guy can make me feel like I'm not 'good enough'. I'm worth more than the text messages, phone calls or facebook posts that I get (or dont get). I'm worth more than just my job.

I'm realizing I'm worth more because I'm fearfully & wonderfully made. Because God made me in His image. Because even though I make mistakes, say and do the wrong things, I try. I try with open heart that is learning to love and to have the copasity to love others.  I've been alone a very long time. Love is not something that comes easy to me. So when I finally do try, it's hard, really hard. This change is taking time and I'm learning to be patient with myself. That is what have gratitude for this Thanksgiving season, and while it's tough, I wouldnt change this challenge for the world.

When you say 'If God wants me there, He'll wake me up'... yeah at 6am...

"Love often doesn’t make any sense at all. It likes to creep up on you when you’re least expecting it, with the person you’re least expecting it to be with. It climbs walls and crosses oceans to find you. When it’s your time, love will track you down." - Mandy Hale

Do I really believe this? I don't know. Not anymore. Maybe. I want to. 

I seem to always 'fall' for the unobtainable guy. The best friend. The one that always sees me as 'one of the guys'... I can see I'm everything he wants and needs, but I'm not a nice size 2 packaging. 

I don't believe love has ever found me. The guy who says he 'loves' me, it makes my stomach turn. I want to believe him, but I know it's not the same way I think when I say 'I love you' or 'Love you'. I'm always overlooked. Never picked. Always left behind when a new girl shows up. I've only known rejection. 

Then these thoughts flow to God... If no man on earth can love me how can God? Questions too deep for sleep, run through my head. WHY? How? What if? But the conclusion is all the same... never happens. 

Grieving the life you wanted vs the life that is reality is painful. It's a fact of life one must face in order to become a stronger human being. In the last few weeks, I've felt pain, anger, hurt, loss, frustration... but I've also felt sheer happiness (for a split second), courage, the grace of God, His love that can heal wounds and hold me in the hurting transition that my life seems to be taking. All because I would not wish loneliness on anyone. 

I'm in my early 30s. I've been single 98% of my life. I am trying to see the best in everything, in all seasons. I understand that there are worse realities than just being single. But... for some reason the 'loneliness' faction of this reality has really amped itself up lately. It's becoming a daily struggle, to see the positives of being single at my age... especially when single people around me are dropping like flies and can always find a date or a 'match' and I'm still stuck being the same... no dates, all prospects taken, still single with no hope of change... 

Then I find this book... The Single Woman: Life, love and a Dash of Sass by Mandy Hale. And then I find these passages which is why (I believe) this book was put in my path:

"The bottom line is this: You’re going to face down a little loneliness. It’s just the cross that we single folks have to bear. But if you learn to really sit with that loneliness and embrace it as the gift that it is— an opportunity to get to know yourself, to learn how strong you really are, to depend on no one but yourself for your happiness— you will realize that a little loneliness goes a long way in creating a richer, deeper, more vibrant and colorful you."

"Embrace your singleness, and even the loneliness that comes with it, as the launching pad that it is. It is often in our loneliest times that God speaks the loudest. Plus, there’s just something really cool about knowing that your destiny is so big that you’re not meant to share it with anyone, at least not yet. So loneliness? Bring it on! In the long run, a big destiny is worth a little loneliness."

I have let loneliness beat me up over the last few months. It's not been pretty, but I am honest about it. My most prominent fear with loneliness is that it will become a comfort and not a reminder that I'm made for more. That I will become numb to the yearning I have for a family of my own, to be a mother and a wife. A dream I'm not willing to let go of yet. 

I have a friend who keeps saying he's 'ok' with being single, but all of his actions and the words that come out of his mouth contradict that very thought. Because I see him - even with all of his faults he is a wonderful, amazing man of God that any woman (including I) would be lucky to have - making excuses to settle, dating around, willing to be someone's 2nd choice, when he could be someone's first. It breaks my heart and reminds me that settling can sometimes be the easy way out...

I'm not willing to settle. Which is why I'm in this situation I'm in now, and when I look at this season that way, it's not a punishment, it's a blessing. It's a testament to the fact that I believe I'm worth MORE. More that my family telling me growing up 'if you're not skinny, you're not pretty'. More that being picked over for a size 2-12 by every guy I meet. More than the fact I feel invisible to every male in my life. More than what society says I should be. More than the fears I have of letting go...  One day someone will see me for the God fearing, wonderful, crazy, amazing, loving, great, fantastic, hammock laying, Rainbow/Chucks/Chaco wearing, book reading, Doctor Who watching, 'browncoat believing', game playing, child-like heart bearing, FSU football cheering, shower singing, living room PJ dancing, adventure seeking, totally nerdy and loving every minute of it - woman I really am.   

And until then, I will live life fantastically and fabulously. I will make huge mistakes, say the wrong things, wonderfully crash and burn in a plethora of flames, BUT I will also get things right. I will know my boundaries and who I am in God. I will be magnificent, caring and fiercely loyal to myself and whomever is to be my partner. I will honor him, love him and challenge him because I would have been through the pain of 'not having'. I will be who God is designing me to be. I will step into my destiny and watch the world stand in awe. But most importantly, I will learn to love ME and be happy in who I am regardless of anyone, anything or any situation that may come. So here's to being single... may it be fabulous ride that someone wishes they could take.

The Journey to Grace...

I had a friend message me the other day saying that she was done with music. This is a very talented and wonderful woman of God who can play the piano, violin and sing. She even got a degree in music with me at Lee. This broke my heart. But then I realized, slowly, I was doing the same thing. It is a reflection of my current life situations and how I wasn't just giving up on music, but on life as well. Honesty time: I battle with depression. I see a therapist for it but sometimes it rears it's ugly head and lately it seems to be thriving.

I've been on a journey for about the last month and half, because of a personal situation. It's been a very long, internal battle. I truly believe there is a 'God sized' hole in each an every human being on earth. I have been trying to fill that hole with anything and everything but God. Which is why I had turned my back on music. Music is my soul song for God. It is my passion. It fills me and bridges the gap between the human and the divine. I thought I always had to be perfect at it.

 I had a realization this morning... God really doesn't care if you are a perfect musician or
 if you're performing for a packed house... He just wants you to entertain an audience of ONE... Him... I don't sing as good as I used to, just because I'm out of practice. But I'm really trying (HARD) to let God do this supernatural work in me. To fundamentally change me... from my roots... starting with music.

 I've held on to a lot of anger, bitterness, resentment and jealousy for various reason over the course of my life. In the last couple of weeks I've realized this is a very toxic behavior and the only person who can truly get rid of it and root it out is God. So I'm trying. Trust me it's not easy and I'm sure it will be much more difficult before this process is over. But I was watching an old Lee University Campus Choir video of Total Praise (youtube it... it's fantastic)... I have seen this video probably 100 times, but for the first time I realized the soloist (she's maybe 5 foot tall) but she sings and praises from her soul. Deep in her soul, like way past her heart to her core. And, in that realization moment,  I said in my soul.. God I want to sing from my heart... even if I never hold another microphone again, I want to bring praise and pleasure to You. I want You to shine through my soul. I want to be Your embodiment of kindness, compassion, love, honesty, peace and grace. Mostly grace. Because the world could use more grace. Immediately I felt something flicker. I have been bound (spiritually) for so long. Those chains have been so heavy. They have weighed me down, costed me friendships, relationships, jobs... But last night I felt the first flicker of grace and hope.

This morning I got up, turned on the internet radio and the song Come to Me by Jenn Johnson came on... it was like another affirmation.The lyrics of the opening verse are:

I am the Lord your God, I go before you now
I stand beside you, I’m all around you
Though you feel I’m far away, I’m closer than your breath
I am with you, more than you know

I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind, come into My rest
Oh, let your faith arise, lift up your weary head
I am with you wherever you go

Hearing this song and the songs that followed I literally felt my soul praise. It's a first in my life. So as I start this new chapter... I hope to be at least half the woman, I know, God has called me to be. Because only then will I have and know true happiness.

All I need is You....

This week has been a bit rough. Mainly we found out my Mema's cancer has come back. Honestly, this has sent me head long into a depression tailspin that I cant seem to pull out of. I really want to quit my job, and runaway... start over somewhere new and pretend none of this is happening. Also, my friends seem to have dissapeared. I keep getting promises of 'we'll talk' or 'we'll hang' or 'I'm here if you need me' but there seems to be a problem with the follow through. I mean I cant even get my therapist to call me back, and I pay him to listen to me. I makes me think, what's wrong with me? What did I do to get to this point? Why am I so lonely now, when I need people the most?

On top of all that I'm still struggling with the God issue and all I can see is things not getting better. I keep asking God to take the pain away. To give me joy and contentment... and all I get is silence. Does He really hear? Does He really exist?

Then I woke up with this song in my head by Hillsong United. It's simple... 'All I need is You, All I need is You Lord, You hold the Universe, You hold everyone on earth...' I find something deep inside my soul crying this song out. It's like the one bare thread of rope that is keeping me from falling off the cliff... I dont need my life to be perfect or fake (plastic smiles)... I just need enough courage to hold on.... I dont need a knight in shining armor, I just need a smile from a stranger. Someone to say, 'It will be ok, you will get through this... even if you are alone, you will get through this'... why is that so hard to see or know.

I know no one reads this blog. I'm not stupid. But maybe just once... God will see it and give me something more than a string to hold on to, but if not... I will let my inner soul continue to sing.... 'You hold the Universe, You hold everyone on earth... All I need is You' ...until I start to believe it.

A Month of Randomness...

SO. Life is good... not perfect but good.

I did realize one profound thing this weekend. I realized I am on a different path... Recently I've been feeling stuck and left behind. All of my friends who are not married are suddenly finding themselves in relationships, while I seem to be constant with singleness. Now, I'm going to to lie, most days loneliness is hell. I see one of my single friends find someone, they are overjoyed, excited and can't wait to tell me every sorted detail. I smile but really on the inside it felt as if another knife was going through my heart. 'Another ONE?! Seriously' is what my head would scream... My heart would break a little more thinking... 'It's not me again'... But I would smile, and tell them how excited and glad I was for them, because I really am (I would not wish the loneliness of singleness on my worst enemy.) and then I would go home to yell and cry at the Almighty as to why it wasn't me that someone could find attractive and beautiful.

Then, Friday (at work actually) my brain had a little 'switch on the light bulb' moment. A thought crept into my head and stuck there. What if... just what if.... loneliness is my reality. What if it is my journey to walk. I have always compared myself to those around me (lets face it & be honest we all do it) thinking that we were all on the same path. You are born, you grow up, you go to school, you find someone to love, you have kids, become grandparents, live a good long life and then you die. But what if I'm not meant to walk that path. What if those single people that come in and out of my life are meant to be that, just passers by at intersections along my journey. Now, does this diminish the fact that I want to be an awesome wife and mother, NOPE. When I see a baby with chubby cheeks, or go to wedding my heart still painfully yearns for that but right now it's not happening. And try as I may, no amount of yelling, screaming, being bitter, shaking of fists, or being jealous of others & their happiness is going to help the journey... or me.

So now what. If this is life and I'm stuck with being alone, now what?? Well that's what I'm going to find out. The one thing that I can say is true, when I've ever really wanted someone there with me or to go out and have fun, the Almighty has always sent someone to be my 'Partner in Crime'. It may not be the person I want to spend the rest of my life with but someone is always there. I have also learned that even with I think no one is there... He is there... Abba, God. Father. My comforter, my constant companion. Do I think I'll ever get married-- I hope so, one day. Do I want to have kids -- yes, well just one. But if Abba doesnt see fit to send me that life... I will keep traveling the journey laid out in front of me.  I will continue to be the best human being I can to those around me. I will be the best auntie to my blood-related & adopted nieces and nephews. I will be the best sister and friend I can be. Regardless if anyone ever decides to love me, I can still love and care for those around me because the one thing I've realized is we're all lonely at some point and life is hard, people should be nice.

Transformation...

6am. Wide awake. Rain pitter pattering on my window. Reading. Breathing. Wondering. 

Finally.... smiling. 

I smiled, a real smile, for the first time in a really long time this morning. I woke up without my alarm. I read some of my book and watched the rain fall outside my window. It has rained ALL. DAY. LONG. 

BUT. 

Sometimes rain must fall. Without rain, we would not grow. Without rain, we would die (eventually - but still a long agonizing death). Without rain, we would not appreciate the sun. So, today... with all it's ugliness I can see beauty. Beauty in the rain. I put on my rain boots & carried my umbrella... walking through every puddle I could all the way to work. 

Sometimes in life, all we need is for our perspective to change. The rain is still there, but now I jump in puddles instead of avoiding them. Because in the end we all just want to be happy...

Perspective

So, perspective... over the last few weeks life has been hell. There's just no easy way to put it. Sickness scares and legal trouble with family, being overworked and underpaid, and personal struggles. It was the week for everything to hit me at once. 

I unloaded on friends... which probably scared a few away... I went on walks... I cried myself to sleep for about a week. It was just all too much. Until a mentor gave me a book called Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore. This is an interesting book that helps to change perspective on the rough patches or 'dark nights' of the life. It proposes the point that there is beauty in the dark times of life. That one can find peace in the transformation process. 

I've started to think about these ideals. To see beauty in all things good and bad. It is helping me realize that all moments in life are needed and wonderful... even the bad ones. 

Tonight I also realized that the best medicine for a 'dark night' is the light of friendship and laugher. I have the best people in my life and the best roommate. Thank you all for being yourself. Thank you for enduring the ups and downs of my moods and my life. Thank you for existing in this world. 

Rough Week

SO these last couple of weeks have been stressful and difficult. Work was rough because of graduation and then I have some family issues going on right now. BUT. The small shining light has been the few people in my life I call friends. They have endured my rants, crying, blaming...  This week has been one of the ugliest in a long while, and these people still answer my text and/or calls... now that folks is friendship. It has not been pretty but it has been the beginning of a journey. 

One of these friends has suggested I read 'Mere Christianity' by C.S. Lewis. I started this book yesterday while on the beach but I must admit the majority of it went over my head. But, in his preface Lewis writes:

"IT is more like a hall out of which doors open into several rooms. If I can bring anyone into that hall I shall have done what I attempted. But it is in the rooms, not in the hall, that there are fires and chairs and meals. The hall is a place to wait in, a place from which to try the various doors, not a place to live in. It is true that some people may find they have to wait in the hall for a considerable time, while others feel certain almost at once which door they must knock at. I do not know why there is this difference, but I am sure God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait. When you do get into your room you will find that the long wait has done you some kind of good which you would not have had otherwise. But you must regard it as waiting, not as camping."

I think at some point my waiting has turned into camping. It's time to open a door... even if it is the one that scares me to death or later on I find out it is the wrong one. It's time to knock on any door and see what the room holds. 

2 Months

SO... It's been about 2 months since I last posted... almost to the day actually. I have been living with roommate and it seems to be working (providing the budget holds). Work has been crazy and I've really wanted to quit but for some reason I keep going back. 

Tomorrow I'm trying a new church for the first time (voluntarily & consistently) in over 2 years. The last time I was involved in a church it didn't end so well... even leading me to question the true existence  of God. Now, before you get all 'holy roller' on me. The one thing I've learned in my life is that if 'God' is not big enough to answer our questions or expect our 'whys' then he's not really a God at all. I'm not one for blind faith just because 'someone told me so'. In the past several years of my life... I started to see where I just have good ol' dumb luck, not providence or a supernatural being doing a supernatural thing. Just me working hard  and having good timing to meet an end goal.

Now, when I started to think this way and would share it with some of my 'christian' friends, they would look at me like I have 2 heads and politely (in that infamous southern charm way) say, 'Oh honey, we'll pray for you.' Which did nothing to help me understand the questions in my head or my heart. I was reaching a point where I didn't think and actual 'God' existed. You 'praying' to 'Him', I believed was naive and plain stupid. Because I lived with my Mema (still), during this time, I was made to attend church. It was one of her few conditions of me staying with her. I would go to her church because A. It was two blocks away B. It didn't really matter where I was, I didn't want to be there in the first place. So, I would go... arrive at the latest possible second and leave just as soon as the pastor said 'amen'. The more I went the angrier and depressed I got. None of these people in this church would see me... like truly see me. I had been attending this church all my life (sans about 3 years) and yet I was still invisible. This also did not help my mental state of belief or honestly... my soul. I felt like a hypocrite because I disagreed with about 90% of came out of that pastor's mouth. 

Fast forward to today. I have one friend (who now lives out of state) who has been willing to walk this journey with me. And the best part about it she said... Melissa, I will love you either way. If at the end of this journey you feel there is no God. I will still love you and think your are an awesome woman. But keep an opened mind... Since then I have found this church. A few people I work with go here. I was talking to one of the guys this week and was honest and said... hey, I've not been to church in about 2+ years all because I don't think God exists anymore. He didn't think I had to heads. He said simply...  That's ok. My church is ok with that. They welcome questions and you can talk about your doubts openly with the leadership and they will try their best to help... (paraphrasing cause I can't remember exactly what he said, but that's the gist) He and a few others have invited me to come back and just try it and see what happens. SO, I don't know if my belief will be restored, but I do feel better. Sorry this is so long... it's a 2 month catch up... so here goes to another chapter of adventure on my journey. 

The Weekend

SO... I'm finally moved in to the new place. The Roommate and I decided to attend the 301 Endless Yard Sale. It's this yard sale that happens once a year. It goes for over 100 miles down the old 301 Hwy. Well, it turned out to be a dud. It was mostly clothes and junk. I did find a pearl necklace/earring/bracelet. But for the first roomie roadtrip it was full of laughter and fun.

My nephews from Washington State were here for the last weekend of their vacation. My eldest nephew and I had a movie date. We watched The Wolverine. He got to choose dinner. We had a fancy meal of chicken flavor ramen noodles. I had the best time with him.

After I got back the Roomie and I watched Man of Steel. Not that bad of a movie. Near the end my roomie said: Zod has some serious anger management issues... My reply: yep saw that coming.

But then I got sick. The lovely stomach virus... the fastest way to lose 5lbs in a day. Tomorrow is computer training day... all. day. long. After being sick today... heavens help me.

One Act of Kindness

One of my New Year's resolutions is to do at least One Act of Kindness for a total stranger. Lately I have forgot this promise I made. I have become a self-absorbed, bitch... and I know it. It's not the person I want to be, or the person I am supposed to be. 

So, in the last couple of weeks I have been trying to be more aware of the people around me. To help where I can, and do for others to make life better. I have been asking the universe for opportunities to make this resolution right. 

Today, I was in the local new grocery store by my house. Well, it's more like a bodega than a grocery store. But I was walking through trying to find something quick for dinner when I was in the frozen foods at the back of the store. That was where I saw him. An elderly man, with a 5 o'clock shadow, disheveled clothes, and a overall exhausted appearance. His walker was siting upside down in the cart. I watched him out of the corner of my eye for several minutes. He was fumbling with something in his hands. The look on his face granted a sense of urgency, his eyes, pleading for help to an unseen force. 

My heart was overcome. I didn't know how to approach him. I wanted him to have his dignity but I could see he was reach a desperate limit. His hands were violently shaking by his point trying to get into a small peppermint candy. I walked over and said...

Me: Hi, how are you doing today?

Him: I've been well but I think I need a knife to get into this damn piece of candy.

Me: Well, that's what it looks like. May I have a try? I have some sharp nails here..

Him: Yes, please... my blood sugar is getting low. 

Me: (unwrapping the candy) Yeah my Mema is diabetic. (then fumbling with the candy, it falls to the floor and my heart broke)I am so sorry. I think I have something in my purse here. Like I said my Mema has diabetes so I keep...

Him: It's okay. I have another one... (hands me the candy and I unwrap it) this time just put it straight in my hand. (he smiles). 

Me: Ok. (smile back)Have a nice day. 

Him: You too dear, may you be blessed.

His face had changed from despair to happiness and hope. It made me tear up in the grocery store. Then it made me think... What if we all did just one good kindness for a stranger each day. Just one. How much better would this world would be. 

Game of Thrones

SO... Game of Thrones. Yes, yes I am the absolute last nerd on earth who has never seen an episode. But that all changed last night. Turns out the new roomie not only has ALL the seasons on DVD but she also has the books as well.

After much discussion amongst my GoT friends on wither to watch the show first or read the books first, I have come to the conclusion to do both. I'll watch a some of the show and then start to read the books.

I must say, it is an HBO show-so graphic content aside, I'm having a hard time getting into it. All of the people I've talked to say that I have to make it the end of the first season and I'll be hooked. I've only watched 3 episodes and so far I'm not that impressed. Now before you want to put my head on a spike, I am thinking it was the fact that I had no clue about the back story. When we got done with the 2nd episode I found in the features and explanation of all the families, characters, legends, etc., and that has helped a lot. 

I'm still going to keep watching, just because I'm a type A personality and I have to finish something once I start it, but we'll see. So far my favorite characters are the bastard son, the imp and the savage's bride.

Here's to Game of Thrones... Hopefully... the Addiction is Coming. 

Good Day!

So. I'm out on my own. Trying this ride called life for a while. This blog will be a mix of adventures, family stories and self-reflections. Sometimes it will be happy, sad, annoying, inspirational but mostly it will be my random thoughts with no bearing on the universe what so ever.

So to kick things off..

My Nephew...

I was babysitting my nephew at my aunt's house over the weekend. My nephew is 4 and wayyyy too smart for his own good. We were unpacking and he was walking through the kitchen, jabbering (because he really does talk NONSTOP) and he stops, looks back and forth... and then the following conversation takes place:

Me: What's wrong?
Him (with a 'thinking' face on): Aunt Shfela has 2 microwaves...
Me (looking at the wine cooler on the counter): Buddy, I dont think that's a microwave.
Him: YES it is... she has 2 microwaves (face turns to shock as he makes the following realization)... one for mac n'cheese and one for grits!!!!!!

I laughed... well at least he has his priorities.